What gets in the way of forgiveness?

In order to begin the process of forgiveness, we need to embrace all our feelings with compassion and understanding. That’s why I say forgiveness is an inside job. How can we truly be forgiving to another if we are not able to forgive ourselves first? I often share with students and clients that we need to name and acknowledge our feelings to “tame” them. The practice of labeling your feelings helps create space between your emotions and your reactions so you can choose how you want to respond in the moment. A short practice you can incorporate when you notice you are having big feelings is this 10-minute meditation for working with difficult emotions.

Thoughts Aren’t Facts: Witness Your Narrative

Forgiveness is the decision to free ourselves from the personal offense and blame that keep us mired in a cycle of suffering. My friend and colleague Dr. Fred Luskin, author of Forgive for Good says, “While anger and hurt are appropriate, they, unlike wine, do not improve with age.” We are often readier to forgive than we think — we just might not have access to the tools. Below are two mindful practices for self-forgiveness.

Two Mindful Practices for Self-Forgiveness

Forgiveness Has Layers

With these two practices we can discover that forgiveness has layers.

Forgiveness is a choice

The practice of forgiveness can feel totally counterintuitive sometimes. We think we find strength in our anger. But holding onto anger or resentment actually limits how we show up in the present because we are still feuding over the story.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or pardoning an offense. It means acknowledging the grievance and the feelings it creates, acknowledging that people are wounded, flawed, and messy—including myself, putting appropriate boundaries in place, letting go, and moving on. Forgiveness is a choice, it has a decisional quality to it. We can begin the practice of forgiveness by starting with ourselves and seeing how the motivation to forgive or not forgive can create increased or diminished resilience in one’s relationships.

Read More

Stefanie Goldstein and Elisha Goldstein March 20, 2017

Margaret Zuo April 28, 2017